Update?

Blake has made some new friends - Anna and Spencer Wing. They don't have any children themselves, so they just think Blake is the greatest! Blake reciprocates those feelings: he was in trouble for disobeying, so I told him to go to his room - he told me to go away and leave him alone. I told him, for the second time, to go to his room, then got up to escort him there. He started walking down the hallway, mumbling, "Go away, I'm driving to Anna and Spencer's!" Apparently he thinks they would make better parents! I had a hard time trying not to laugh. He ended up not going to his room......maybe next time! Last night as I was putting him to bed, he told me that, "Tomorrow I'm going to go on an adventure to Anna and Spencer's house." I told him they would actually be coming over to our house and we would watch football. He was down with that.

Maxwell has learned to communicate - by screaming and crying. It is very frustrating for all of us. We have no idea what he wants. He doesn't get what he wants because we really have no idea what it is he's asking for, so then he cries and screams and starts jumping up and down and waving his arms. He is still a work in progress........mostly he feels like a work in regress. Oh well. He is also learning the disciplinary function of 1,2,3....then you go to your room. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Brent bought me a smartphone for Christmas. I love it and hate it. It has so much stuff - it's like a computer - acts like one too - I get all sorts of errors, and it takes forever to open programs, and yes, I have actually had to reboot it several times already! I think Blake hates it as well. There isn't anything I can't do on it, I now text, im and get my emails immediately all day long, as well as games, gps, microsoft office, and web browsing. It never leaves my side. I wonder if it will one day mysteriously disappear? I have to exercise great self control to ignore my phone during such things as church, family dinner, dates, etc. I have newfound sympathy for Aurelia and the hard time I always gave her for her constant texting! I also think Brent is a little envious of my phone. It is pretty cool. On another note - I went ahead and had a maternity photo shoot done. I never thought I ever would - but I now highly recommend professional photography to everyone (and not just for maternity.) It was a great experience and it is amazing how beauty can be captured through the lens of a camera - not physical beauty, but the essence of it - a picture truly can speak a thousand words - even if only to the person in the picture. I loved it. It is so worth the money! Do it, I say! Here was my favorite photo of the entire shoot.

How honest are people, really?

How honest are people, really? Think about it. What do you hide from others? What are you afraid you of, that others don't know about? How honest are you really? Thank you to Ben for pointing out that maybe I am using the wrong word here. Maybe it's not honesty, maybe it's how much of the truth are you willing to share? When asked how you are - do you answer politely, Great! or do you tell them how you really are? If you are sitting with a group of mothers and you mention that you really don't find it rewarding (at least maybe not as much as you feel you ought to) and no one speaks up, is it because you are the only one, or because no one else wants to admit it? Why wouldn't you want to admit it? What is your reason, really?

Being a mother

After having lunch with an old high school friend, I decided I have some things that must be explained for my own peace of mind:

It's not that I don't like being a mother. It's not that I don't love my children (or my husband for that matter!) It's that it just doesn't fit with my emotional psyche. Should someone who faints at the sight of blood become a medical surgeon? Should someone who is afraid of heights become an airplane pilot? My emotional psyche can't find rewards in being a mother. It just might be impossible! If for one second I were to acknowledge a job well done, or that I did something right for a change, it only takes another nanosecond for me to remember all the things I have done wrong and will still do wrong. I can't stop worrying about whether I am doing the wrong things and what consequences my decisions and actions will bring. Is there something I could have done differently so that Blake wouldn't have such aggression for Maxwell? Could I have done something differently to prevent Maxwell from thinking that hitting is a form of playing? I know I can't change anything in the past, only the present and future; but the problems that I face (possibly because of something I did wrong in the past) are so frustrating. So frustrating, in fact, that it seems that there is no solution, no way to make these things better.

Identity Theft has a new definition: pregnancy and nursing. I eat, sleep, drink and feel not for myself, but for the baby. While there might not be anything wrong with that (I mean, what would the world be like if we didn't have that nurturing instinct for our children,) it leaves me feeling like I have no idea who I am. All I know is how to clean. And cook. And change diapers. All I talk about is my child(ren), or parent stuff, or other things I would never thought I would talk about with other people. I plan around nap times and "will my children actually be able to sit through that?" I measure every appointment and outing: are they too tired; will this stress me out so much I struggle to control my temper; will there be a place to change a diaper; are there breakable things, etc. In the end, I find I have lost my goals, my dreams, my hopes in a pile of dirty diapers, mounds of toys, heaps of dishes and loads of laundry.

If I leave my children to have "adult time," am I inadvertently telling my children I don't love them? Am I abandoning them when they need me? Will this result in consequences too severe for me to even consider? Yes, I have guilt. To top off all of the above, I am constantly filled with guilt. Do I do enough? Am I providing them with the things they need (beside food, shelter and clothing?) If I did more, would things be better? If I cleaned less and played more, would my children benefit? If I cleaned more and played less, would they suffer? Are the punishments we dole out too severe, do they help to make the poor behavior better? Or do they just create more problems? Questions, questions, guilt, loss of identity, questions and more questions, helplessness...........

With that said, how does one find joy, fulfillment and reward in being a stay-at-home mother? Is it that I don't want to be a mother, or is it that I just don't have the emotional tools necessary to get the job done and feel fulfillment by doing so?

Journaling?

Over the past few years, I have had reason to reflect on the importance of journaling. If I have realized anything, it is that journaling is a skill - an art maybe. I used to think that I should write down conversations and events, etc, just as they happened. After reading bit's of my Mom's journals, I have had the following epiphany: Names, who said what, who was wrong, aren't important things to write about, for others to read especially when questions can no longer be asked and answered. I also learned that any time you make note of a troubling decision that is to be made - you should always, at some point, document the decision or end result. I remembering reading one of Mom's entries about money, and paying bills. Tithing or bills? What I want to know is what did she decide? Did she pay her tithing? She never did say.

I often wonder about my Mom's life - her own individuality. What was she really like as a person - a separate entity other than wife and mother? I always knew her as a Mom (mostly that meant disclipinarian and answer(er). How many of us remember asking Dad and him responding with "Go ask your mother."? I know that she kissed Dad goodbye every day. That they never yelled at each other (that doesn't mean they didn't have disagreements - just no yelling.) I know they often told me they loved me. I know how important it was to her to teach us the gospel, to rear her children to be righteous sons and daughters of God. But what of her personality? What did she want to do? Was she an artist? Was she an engineer? Would she have liked to have parties often, or have large groups of friends that she hung out with regularly? How did she feel about herself? What were her strengths, her weaknesses? Oh, the questions I would ask her if only I had known that I wouldn't be able to get the answers now. Yes, I suppose that someone else could tell me what they think, but I believe that too often we each have an opinion based on our own interpretation of body language, or misunderstand silences or conversations (and sometimes ill-used phrases.)

It was amazing to watch home videos of Mom as a young girl, and as a teenager. It made me want to know her better, to understand her passions, her triumphs, her opinions, her failures. The sad thing is that I think I didn't miss out on learning more about her because she died so young, but because it took me so long to grow up enough (well, I don't know that I have grown up at all, but I would like to think that being a mother now gives me a little more insight) to realize that I wanted to know these things. I wasted so much time. I think that I will always regret that. How much time do I continue to waste over silly arguments, or hurt feelings, and worst of all - anger?

What I really hope to accomplish, is journaling that one day can be read, long after my physical body has passed from this life, and my children and grandchildren will learn what it is that I learned in my lifetime through decision making and trials - triumphs and defeats - love and yes, unfortunately, anger. Do they need to know the finer details - the whos, whats, wheres and whens? What I want them to know is that I found joy and peace, prosperity (not necessarily monetarily,) knowledge, gratitude, and love in my lifetime here on Earth. I want them to be able to laugh at the jokes my brothers told, and watch home videos of the guys singing Adam Sandler songs, to know that we teased Uncle Morgan about girls, and that Grandpa has his own particular scent when he fluffers (and that yes, we came up with that word I think at an FHE because my Mom didn't like the other terms for it!) and that Grandpa is a very silent thinker, but you do have to keep alert, because yes, sometimes he falls asleep thinking! And that he wipes grout and caulking and paint on his work pants, which is why they are so colorful (and why the washers and dryers break, I am sure!) Who Mikayla, Rachel Skidmore and General What's His Name? Gregorovich are? That some of my fondest memories are of the family sitting around after a meal (poor Mom, she was probabaly stuck cleaning the dishes) and we would tell stories and jokes. I remember once when we got together and we kept telling the same joke over and over and changing one or two words, and we must have laughed for like an hour! They got so corny, but it was so much fun! I want them to know that one of the things I appreciate about my brothers and sisters are all the movie quotes they have in their heads. That every time I hear them sing, or perform anything musical, that it makes me wish I were a better person, that I had tried a littler harder, and that I absolutely love music and am overwhelmed by its power to create such strong emotions in people (even when it is not perfect or professional!) Wow! I guess I had better get started, I have a lot to record!

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote:

What is success?
To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by
a healthy child, a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed
easier because you have lived;
This is to have succeeded.

What's Up?

A better post. I can sew! Isn't it amazing? It feels just as good as Dad's double meaning-ed compliment,"Erin, I really didn't think that of all people it would be YOU who could figure out Mom's serger." Thanks for the compliment - and great surprise that I could actually do anything! Anita Guernsey approached me this past December with a wonderful opportunity available to any Young Women leader who has been serving in that calling for at least one year. I am now going on 2+ years, I can't believe it's been that long! Anyway, the opportunity come by way of Personal Progress. The program allows for me to complete it now (or again for anyone who has already completed it!) So, in about six more days, I will have completed all the value experiences and projects. In fact, I am even going to officially recieve the medallion, etc. in a little ordeal to which I have invited Brent. And the boys. I am humbled and excited about completing this. Mostly I am grateful for the opportunity I have to realize my talents and many blessings the Lord has given me. At the same time, I don't have enough time in any day to use all of them, much to my chagrin. I also started teaching piano lessons (despite Aurelia's negativity) and have gotten a special reward from it. I teach a seven year old boy named Christopher. Aurelia probably would have appreciated him as a student! He PRACTICES! And he really is bright and eager to learn. He has fun playing the duets with me, and he has such a great attitude! Last night as I was walking him out to the car, he said, rather excitedly," I think I like piano lessons better than swimming lessons!" Yeah for me!!!! He also will probably be the only student who actually plays a piece at our recital. I guess that just means he will definitely be the star of the show!

Bloggers

I had an interesting conversation last night about blogs. I really hope that no one googles me to find my blog. They might think I have gone off the deep end or something. I realize now that this is my opportunity to show off my writing skills (of which I have none.) If nothing else, I need to start adding more pictures, more often. I am just so busy with my Moose and Zee stuffed animals that I can hardly get anything else done. I tell myself that I need to clean up, but only after I finish this Moose and Zee! Needless to say, Brent said he would clean the bathroom about 5 days ago. When I pointed this out to him, his reply was," I cleaned the toilet!" So at this rate the entire bathroom will be cleaned by the end of the month. Yes! My opinion poll isn't working out, so I thought I would come up with a question that has a little more thought to it. Then I'll have to advertise it so that it can actually become a real poll. I used to think that I wasted a lot of time doing nothing - but the fact of the matter is, I still have no time for anything and I think I am doing something worthwhile. In my old age I am realizing that there never really is enough time. And I used to look forward to the day that I could stay at home. Now I can't wait to leave. Isn't that horrible? It is no longer enough for me to put the boys to bed and read, or watch a movie, or anything that requires me to stay home, but I want to get out and do something real (real social, anyway.) Back to last night's conversation. If you are reading this and I have ever done anything cruel or offensive to you in any way, I apologize. Sincerely. I have been reminded of my youth, what might have happened, and of course my reaction to it. Reaction - it hurts. Response - I only hurt myself and those who loved me. I hope to be able to make up for it by being a better person (sounds real cliche, huh?)