Yay! I did it! I did it!

And in like, 10 minutes!! Yes! I now know what I am doing, and can make any blog background I want. I am so proud of myself! Now I just need to tackle that header thing! Yay!

Experiment gone right!

This is the end of week 1. It should be the end of like, week 3, but I broke and we had to start over. Maxwell has always been happy to do his own thing. He doesn't ask for a lot of attention, he could play elsewhere in the house for long periods of time (in which he probably never thinks of me) and at some point I have to go looking for him just to make sure he's still alive. He also loves DVDs. Not necessarily watching them, but more of an I-put-the-dvd-in, I-take-the-dvd-out every 5 minutes, and he wants to carry the DVD (w/o case) with him everywhere he goes. This hasn't been working out very well for anyone. Especially the poor dvds. So we started "putting our foot down" and were constantly telling (scolding might be a better word) him that he couldn't touch the dvds, even though that is the one thing he wanted to do most. Then he would scream and cry and jump up and down - and he wouldn't pause for anything. However, it was amusing at first how he would instantly stop and smile if you handed him the dvd! One day I got so frustrated, I put him in his crib, gathered up all the dvds and threw (well, gently placed them in a box, but I wanted to throw them) into the basement. Maxwell did not appreciate this, but reacted with surprising calm when I showed him that there were no more DVDs. I felt bad, so I checked out some Signing Time DVDs from the library a week later. Yes, I am an idiot. Last week I had Brent gather them up and take them back. We haven't watched a dvd in a week.

All I can say is: Believe them when they tell you that tv is bad for children. I now have my own evidence. It's like I have a new child or something! Granted, he does require more attention (he tends to get into things he's not supposed to - like all the time) and now he and Blake are always teasing each other and it isn't pretty, but............Maxwell uses at least 100 words more per day now when he communicates (which is such an improvement from his limited vocabulary of movie titles and screaming and crying and jumping up and down) and he has the cutest little personality that really comes alive now that I have allowed him an opportunity to be a normal 2.5 year old kid! He is so cute and cuddly with me (he wasn't interested before) and he has just really come alive this past week. It makes me feel bad that I didn't do something about this sooner, or see the reality of what I was doing, sooner, but I am happy now. One night at dinner, I pointed out that this is Maxwell after he's gone without dvds for an entire day. Everyone could see the difference. The next night, my brother Morgan was playing with Maxwell (never happened before) and said, "Erin, I definitely like this Maxwell better." Oops. I have done a poor job of parenting. I am now making amends. Learn from my experiences, please.

Yes, it's working! Slowly, but surely!

As you might be able to see, I am running tests on my new background! I think I am getting closer every day. Of course, I really only have about 25 minutes everyday that I can sit and mess around on the computer, but who knows? Maybe I'll have it up and running by the end of the week! I just love it when I can accomplish something like this! It makes me feel like my education wasn't completely worthless, and that being a stay at home mom isn't sucking all thought process out of my brain!

I'm going to do it!

I am going to do it. That is my motto for today. I have a long list, and though my back will hurt terribly by the end of the day, I am going to get it done! Once my lists are completely checked off, I will start playing around with this whole blog thing and I will become a blog genius! Yeah, baby!

p.s. please don't hold your breath on this one. I will not be held responsible for your disappointment :)

Update?

Blake has made some new friends - Anna and Spencer Wing. They don't have any children themselves, so they just think Blake is the greatest! Blake reciprocates those feelings: he was in trouble for disobeying, so I told him to go to his room - he told me to go away and leave him alone. I told him, for the second time, to go to his room, then got up to escort him there. He started walking down the hallway, mumbling, "Go away, I'm driving to Anna and Spencer's!" Apparently he thinks they would make better parents! I had a hard time trying not to laugh. He ended up not going to his room......maybe next time! Last night as I was putting him to bed, he told me that, "Tomorrow I'm going to go on an adventure to Anna and Spencer's house." I told him they would actually be coming over to our house and we would watch football. He was down with that.

Maxwell has learned to communicate - by screaming and crying. It is very frustrating for all of us. We have no idea what he wants. He doesn't get what he wants because we really have no idea what it is he's asking for, so then he cries and screams and starts jumping up and down and waving his arms. He is still a work in progress........mostly he feels like a work in regress. Oh well. He is also learning the disciplinary function of 1,2,3....then you go to your room. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Brent bought me a smartphone for Christmas. I love it and hate it. It has so much stuff - it's like a computer - acts like one too - I get all sorts of errors, and it takes forever to open programs, and yes, I have actually had to reboot it several times already! I think Blake hates it as well. There isn't anything I can't do on it, I now text, im and get my emails immediately all day long, as well as games, gps, microsoft office, and web browsing. It never leaves my side. I wonder if it will one day mysteriously disappear? I have to exercise great self control to ignore my phone during such things as church, family dinner, dates, etc. I have newfound sympathy for Aurelia and the hard time I always gave her for her constant texting! I also think Brent is a little envious of my phone. It is pretty cool. On another note - I went ahead and had a maternity photo shoot done. I never thought I ever would - but I now highly recommend professional photography to everyone (and not just for maternity.) It was a great experience and it is amazing how beauty can be captured through the lens of a camera - not physical beauty, but the essence of it - a picture truly can speak a thousand words - even if only to the person in the picture. I loved it. It is so worth the money! Do it, I say! Here was my favorite photo of the entire shoot.

How honest are people, really?

How honest are people, really? Think about it. What do you hide from others? What are you afraid you of, that others don't know about? How honest are you really? Thank you to Ben for pointing out that maybe I am using the wrong word here. Maybe it's not honesty, maybe it's how much of the truth are you willing to share? When asked how you are - do you answer politely, Great! or do you tell them how you really are? If you are sitting with a group of mothers and you mention that you really don't find it rewarding (at least maybe not as much as you feel you ought to) and no one speaks up, is it because you are the only one, or because no one else wants to admit it? Why wouldn't you want to admit it? What is your reason, really?

Being a mother

After having lunch with an old high school friend, I decided I have some things that must be explained for my own peace of mind:

It's not that I don't like being a mother. It's not that I don't love my children (or my husband for that matter!) It's that it just doesn't fit with my emotional psyche. Should someone who faints at the sight of blood become a medical surgeon? Should someone who is afraid of heights become an airplane pilot? My emotional psyche can't find rewards in being a mother. It just might be impossible! If for one second I were to acknowledge a job well done, or that I did something right for a change, it only takes another nanosecond for me to remember all the things I have done wrong and will still do wrong. I can't stop worrying about whether I am doing the wrong things and what consequences my decisions and actions will bring. Is there something I could have done differently so that Blake wouldn't have such aggression for Maxwell? Could I have done something differently to prevent Maxwell from thinking that hitting is a form of playing? I know I can't change anything in the past, only the present and future; but the problems that I face (possibly because of something I did wrong in the past) are so frustrating. So frustrating, in fact, that it seems that there is no solution, no way to make these things better.

Identity Theft has a new definition: pregnancy and nursing. I eat, sleep, drink and feel not for myself, but for the baby. While there might not be anything wrong with that (I mean, what would the world be like if we didn't have that nurturing instinct for our children,) it leaves me feeling like I have no idea who I am. All I know is how to clean. And cook. And change diapers. All I talk about is my child(ren), or parent stuff, or other things I would never thought I would talk about with other people. I plan around nap times and "will my children actually be able to sit through that?" I measure every appointment and outing: are they too tired; will this stress me out so much I struggle to control my temper; will there be a place to change a diaper; are there breakable things, etc. In the end, I find I have lost my goals, my dreams, my hopes in a pile of dirty diapers, mounds of toys, heaps of dishes and loads of laundry.

If I leave my children to have "adult time," am I inadvertently telling my children I don't love them? Am I abandoning them when they need me? Will this result in consequences too severe for me to even consider? Yes, I have guilt. To top off all of the above, I am constantly filled with guilt. Do I do enough? Am I providing them with the things they need (beside food, shelter and clothing?) If I did more, would things be better? If I cleaned less and played more, would my children benefit? If I cleaned more and played less, would they suffer? Are the punishments we dole out too severe, do they help to make the poor behavior better? Or do they just create more problems? Questions, questions, guilt, loss of identity, questions and more questions, helplessness...........

With that said, how does one find joy, fulfillment and reward in being a stay-at-home mother? Is it that I don't want to be a mother, or is it that I just don't have the emotional tools necessary to get the job done and feel fulfillment by doing so?