Don't judge me for hating mayonnaise

If you are looking for humor, this post might not be for you. That was a warning. Stop reading now if you have even the slightest doubt. Curiosity killed the cat.

Was that warning enough?

You're still reading, huh? Welcome to my opinion. (Feel free to stop reading here.)

Why hasn't anyone come up with an emoticon for sarcasm? A really good half-smirk, half-smile, eye roll that no one could possibly misinterpret?? Maybe it could look like this: %9 or this %? How about this @? Maybe this one @5

Don't people realize how important first, last and every-minute-of-your-life impressions are? When you type something into the twitter universe, you've just lost your personality, your voice, your tone, your body language (if in person,) - all those important and often necessary ingredients one needs to bake a cake, oops, I mean, communicate with one another. Especially if you tend to use sarcasm.

Case in point: Tweeter (who blogs for money): "Why do parents let their Kindergartners go to school with shorts and no coat when it is 40 outside?? Kids need to be told how to dress"

Her opinion may cause you to think one of two things:

1. Why, yes, they do.

or

2. Well, aren't you the perfect person who apparently has passed on those same genetic mutations (was that humor??) to their perfect children.

Gee, I bet you can't guess which thought I had......

There is a difference between telling a kid what to do, and a kid doing what he is told. Tell me you haven’t experienced that before. Better yet, why don’t you tell me about your perfect parenting and your perfect children who always do as you say – maybe I could learn something from you.

Another Tweeter's (she also blogs for money) response to the first: "You're assuming the parents have a brain....:)"

I guess you’d better tell me where I can get a brain. (and what person insults parents while smiling? Just sayin’.”

Short story from several weeks ago: My oldest insisted that he wasn’t going to need his jacket – he didn’t want it, he wasn’t going to wear it. In my infinite wisdom %? I decided that he could learn a valuable lesson if I let him go to school without the jacket (read: I was terribly irritated and tired of fighting a six-year old and I wanted him to be cold so that I could say, “Ha! I told you so!” just like the mature parent I aspire to be.) In the end, the only life lesson he learned, and I quote (in case you missed the quotation marks %?): "I hate the cold!" %?

All sarcasm (%?) aside, he never argues with me about taking a jacket anymore – even if he stuffs it into his backpack. Maybe the lesson he learned was when Mom says it’s going to be cold, interpret it as “Better safe than sorry.” In that ideal and perfect world where kids do as you say, the lesson he would’ve learned was “always listen to Mom – she knows everything!” Where’s my parenting manual??

p.s. maybe %? should be an emoticon for a parent without a brain? No?

New Adventures in Blogging....

While I only blog once every few months, I appreciate all of my devoted readers to this particular one ;)

I've always wanted to have a career in fashion. I haven't lost that dream. I have, however, been sidetracked.

Until now.

Join my latest blog - Pretty, Polished, Perfect. Join it whether you plan to come back or not. Find it on facebook, and if you like it, like it. If you love it, like it. If you hate it, like it. If you don't care, like it (I am down on my knees begging for you to like it.......) Tell everyone you know ;)

What did YOU do today?

As a mother, I do not have the privelege of participating in my annual reviews, I do not receive salary raises, or bonuses, or certificates of achievement, or even a "good job" from the boss - or anyone else in the office, for that matter. When The Mr. recieves a salary raise, or a Christmas bonus, or a play-off bonus, or a compliment at work, he doesn't rush home, pat me on the back, and say, "Well done, woman. Here is your share of my raise, because everyone knows that behind every good man is an even better woman. Let's get a babysitter and go out to eat so you don't have to cook and clean tonight. In fact, why don't you take part of my bonus and buy those sexy Laboutin pumps you've been wanting to buy." Nope. Nada. Never even going to happen (although hopefully the Mr. got that little hint back there......)


For those reasons alone, I feel it is perfectly appropriate to pat myself on the back (which is actually my polite yet smug way of saying I FEEL LIKE BRAGGING, BECAUSE I CAN.) What did you make your children for their after-school snack?? 'Cause this is what I made for mine:









Beat that, suckaz!

I have the artistic talent of a fly.

When school first started, I could not think of a single thing to send in Blake's lunch, except Lunchables (ew, gross!) I searched blogs and websites and cookbooks and the library; I stumbled upon genius: Bentos (for definitions, or better yet, pictures, go here, here and here - this last one seems the most authentic, culturally speaking.)

Unfortunately, I lack the artistic abilities that come naturally to some people - like my sister-in-law Emily, who is so artistic that everything she touches turns to gold......except, of course, for the food she eats, and the people she loves, but you get my point, right? So this is the best that I could come up with (I think I got better with each one?)

I first bought the cheap plastic divided containers, but found that it was too much space - Blake never finished even half of it, and it just didn't look as pretty if every square centimeter wasn't full of food! I was checking out Pottery Barn Kids (my favorite kids store, evah!) and found their Spencer Storage Containers at 75% off! I was in Bento heaven! I also found that Blake was very into packing his own lunch, now that I had these fun, colorful containers, and creative ways to serve him his food (I really like the cupcake pan idea, I just can't imagine any child NOT eating their lunch when served that way!) I also thought a bit more outside the box, no pun intended, when it came to his menu choices - he HATES sandwiches (seriously, the day I sent olives and cute little pb&j cutouts, he ONLY ate the olives (which, aside from carrots, is the only vegetable I can get him to eat.....oh, wait, don't tell me. Olives are actually fruits.) Apparently, my disguise wasn't creative enough.)

Now I just need to work up the motivation to make three sets every night, and let my other two sons eat their "school lunch bentos"!

Donuts.

snow day noun \‘sno-, ‘da\ : a day reserved for sleeping in and accomplishing absolutely nothing. snow days (pl)

Examples of SNOW DAY:

Snow days are boring; I decided to take my sons to experience their first “donut.”

Snow days are to mothers as overtime is to employees.

I dislike snow days.

Origin of SNOW DAY:

Middle English, from Old English too lazy to shovel (akin to procrastination, excuses, aversion.)

First Known Use:

20th century, shortly after the release of the first color television.

Point Of Interest:

“Donuts” in mini-vans are LAAAAMMMMMEEE!

What am I grateful for?

My boys. Two fun quotes from this past holiday:

"I need to grow more eyebrows." This is what Maxwell whispered to me as he sat on my lap watching, wait for it................Tangled. The only thing that could have made it better? If he had said that when "Eugene" was doing the Smolder.

"I LOVE this! This museum is AWEsome!" Courtesy of Blake, while riding the flight simulator at the Air and Space Museum. (Yes, my worst nightmare is that my children will hate museums.)


That's it folks.

I usually have the patience of a turtle.....

Actually, if you know me well enough, that statement might make you laugh. Indeed, I have what I refer to as a Zero Tolerance Policy, or ZTP. That's right. I allow for Zero, zip, nada, when it comes to time-wasting. You do NOT waste my time. Or your time. And you do NOT cut me off in traffic. Ok, so nothing will actually happen if you cut me off, but watch out if you're wasting my time. Things might get ug-uh-lee. Why am I bringing up my ZTP this morning, you ask?

I got a pretty good laugh this morning at, wait for it..............the school drop-off. If you've ever seen a status update on Facebook around 8:30am or 3:40pm, you probably think laughter at, near, or around these times is highly improbable. I HATE dropping off the kids, and I REALLY HATE picking them up after school. I am usually irate because someone (usually more than just one person, I might add,) has stopped their vehicle, gotten out and then proceeded to chat with friends and neighbors. All while their vehicle is blocking traffic - not even kidding. While I enjoy socializing (believe me, I don't think that is a waste of time,) I think that right after school when 300 other parents are also trying to pick up their 2.1 children, might not be the right time to be doing it. Anyway, that is the past, and I have started to accept the things that I cannot change (AH.HA.HA.HA.) This is how I found this morning's scenario so entertaining. Several people that I either know, or have seen around a lot, because, hey (and yes, totally stuck in the 80s dad who I see EVERY MORNING with your hair the exact same, in your same bright yellow jacket and your single diamond earring, I am speaking of you) you can't NOT develop some kind of relationship with these people you see every day, when I look like I just got out of bed because.... guess what? I just got out of bed. Anyway, back to the scenario. I turn the corner of my street, only to catch a woman I obviously don't know well, taking a corner at a speed sure to wear exactly 1.2 inches off her tire tread. Now this woman, or so I thought, has always seemed very um, I can't think of the word, but I have never seen this woman raise her voice, have never seen her laugh uncontrollably, or jump up and down with excitement, and I have never, NEVER seen her be late. So imagine my surprise when I look at the clock and realize that she is in fact probably driving her child to school (she almost ALWAYS walks) because the bell is going to ring in exactly two minutes. I guess she isn't as demure as I thought she was. As I approach the school, there is a LOT of traffic. Well, more than the usual "late" crowd anyway - which yes, I am the PRESIDENT of! I recognize another Mom whom I occasionally socialize with and sometimes, if I'm in really top-form - I beat at the games we play (that's right - I saw you this morning - dropping her off late, mwahahaha,) mostly because she tried (ok, she succeeded) to pull a left-hand turn that almost, almost cut someone off. I continued to watch (while still obeying the "rules" of morning drop-off) as more cars flowed in, and yes, this included the 80s guy, who pulled past us and then tried to cross the street, while a white mini-van tried to pass all of us, doing about 90mph, while the "rule-followers" tried to pull back out of line so that we, the rest of the "rule-followers" could pull up and drop our kids off - anyone remember cutting in line as children? Well, guess what? It continues into adulthood. Who knew? So while the blue explorer and the white mini-van duke it out over who is going to give whom the right-of-way, and the 80s dude is trying to not get run over by either one of them, the second Mom I know flips on her blinker and coolly slides into the front spot. Okay, so it didn't look cool, it looked a bit more frantic. I suppose it didn't surprise me to see that Mom number 2 is as equally ruthless and competitive at the drop-off thing as she is when playing board games. Now cue the background noise during this whole 30 second debacle: "Let's drive safely, now. Safe *BRING* driving,*BRING* everyone. Let's drive safely." - courtesy of Mr. Simpson (the gym teacher), who was apparently watching the same thing I was. Now why was I laughing? Because for the first time this year, I was NOT the bad driver. I was NOT going to be the parent who got in an accident or ran someone over. So thank you, Mom numbers 1 & 2, 80s dude, white mini-van and ford explorer for making me not feel so bad about my past driving :)